Back in the beginning of 2017 I got into a relationship with my ex partner whom, at the time I thought was a sweet and good man and possibly my forever. As time went by he grew worse and worse. Abusive. It started slow, emotional abuse and verbally aggressive, but he hadn't laid his hands on me yet. I shrugged it off as I didn't care about myself and had no self value/worth. More time passed and by Thanksgiving that year he had put his hands all over me. Knocking my head into a wall, dragging me into the house when I tried to leave, dragging me out of the house and throwing my phone and things at me when I tried to stay.


I wouldn't leave him because I loved him and cared not for myself. I tried so hard to figure out what I did wrong.

Early December rolls around and I find out that I am pregnant with my first child, my daughter Kinsley. Growing up I had ALWAYS known I wanted to be a mother and I had always dreamed about revealing my future pregnancy to my future husband and how happy and excited and tearful it would be. But that moment sitting on the toilet seeing the positive lines show up I burst into tears of sadness, knowing how angry he would be and how hurtful and mean. I took another test hoping that maybe this first one was mistaken or defective and sure enough, in come the lines. I cried for a while and of course felt guilty that I was so sad to be having a baby.

It was supposed to be my biggest life dream coming true but here I was crushed and willing it away.

I carried the tests around in my bra for weeks trying to figure out how to tell him. The time came when he was searching for a car and was going to try to buy a two seater car. I told him we needed to talk and so when he came into our room I couldn't breathe. I stood there and stared as my eyes glazed over. I kept saying "You know I love you right?" And "I love you so much honey." And I kept hugging him. He pushed me off finally and held me at arms length and I burst into tears and handed him the tests. He, of course and as I expected, got angry. He started yelling and telling me "Dude, just fucking leave." And "My life is over." And he kept pushing me away when I tried to hug him (as I needed comfort).

He fought me inside of a Cricket store later on in front of everyone and kept saying "we are done" and "take your shit and leave". Life kept on like this until a few weeks later when I had a threatened miscarriage. He seemed worried but again fought me at the doctor. Time passed and things kind of settled until the day after Valentine's Day.

We got into an argument of some small degree that of course blew up and resulted in him hitting me in the face and chest and throwing me through his television (knowing I was pregnant and had already had the threatened miscarriage).

The next day I ran away to a different town and stayed in a battered women's shelter and while there I discovered he had been cheating on me, on top of all this. Fast forward to October 2018. I have gotten a great job, nice apartment, and my daughter is born and two months old. I changed my phone number, deleted social media, and had become a ghost. Eventually though, I had gotten interested in dating so I joined a dating site. He found me on there and started trying to talk to me. He told me he had gone through anger management and how sorry he was and how badly he missed me and wished he could meet her. After a long few weeks of this I consented.

He came and met Kinsley and things went well so I let him come again later.

This continued and he was showing great signs of progress and being calm and sweet, so I thought. I decided I would consent to trying our relationship again despite my distrust. I figured we could take it slow and the distrust could be worked on. Time passed (a month and a half) and he was talking about how great he liked being a dad and how he wanted to have another baby.

I told him no stating my reasons as: my body is not ready, the money isn't together, I am not ready, and I wanted to focus on my daughter and give her lots of undivided attention at least until she was a bit older. He then hushed on the topic and half heartedly agreed with me and we moved on. A week later he proposed and I VERY reluctantly said "I will say yes for now but it is going to be a VERY long engagement" as I had not had time to heal from everything he put me through and was not ready to be stuck to him in that way. A few more weeks and he is pushing the want of another baby on me again to which I said no and called my doctor to set an appointment for birth control. Appointment day comes and he won't let me go get the birth control...

Of course then later he performed unsafe practices on me even when I said I wanted him to use contraceptive.

After that I gave up because I figured it was too late anyway. I started drinking to numb it away and started religiously buying and taking pregnancy tests and sighing in relief when they came negative. He of course kept on forcing non-protected acts on me and I gave up and would be buzzed out of it anyway. The day finally came that a test came positive. I immediately stopped drinking and of course, yet again, cried my heart out at the result. This time I was crying for me however. He got the news and celebrated while I mourned. Time passed by and though he had been being sweet he had started slipping. It got worse and worse and then finally on Christmas of 2018 he just left me and never came back. Now here I am, a single pregnant mother of an infant with hardly any money to my name and very few options. I have always been pro-choice but have NEVER been ok with the idea of abortion for me personally. I would never in my soul get an abortion but here, weighing the options, I couldn't see a better one for many reasons. First, I had no money at all and even if I had the baby and went with adoption I wouldn't be able to take even the 6 weeks leave to recover without not making the bills. Second, I couldn't tell my family about him having come back or the pregnancy. They were the ones taking me to and from work and watching my daughter as I couldn’t afford a car or daycare and they made it very clear that if I ever got involved with him again that they would ex-communicate me and no longer help. I made the call to a clinic that did abortions and set up an appointment.

The night before the appointment I was walking around my house holding my belly and talking saying things like "It isn’t your fault", "I am so sorry baby", "I do love you but I can't do this" and "I love you so much and one day when I die we will be together" and I was crying uncontrollably.

I did not go through with it. Now, currently (May 11, 2019) I am 6 moths pregnant with my son Kyran and my family still doesn't know.

I am going to reveal my pregnancy to them tomorrow on Mother's Day and I am terrified…

Brave and inspiring mother @personmeexisting

Tags: Mum Stories